Can I just start off this entry with how lucky I am to be the wife to someone that makes everyones life including mine 1000x better. He truly is ONE OF A KIND! We rarely take photos together because he isn't a fan but here is one we had to take for an upcoming video we did of him doing my makeup for the 3rd time this time using nothing but Mexican makeup. (SOON ON MY YOUTUBE)
I can't express how excited I am for the new month especially because I still can't believe how hard last month was on me emotionally! This year in general, emotionally I've been up and down drastically ever since the passing of my puppy this past January. I was very surprised to see who was there for me when I felt I needed them the most! I think I finally hit my breaking point when it comes to "Friendships" at least my thought behind what a real friendship was.
I knew who I was and I think I lost myself along the way when it comes to friendships. I thought I had finally learned to love and find myself again last year and the truth is that this is the year is the year! You see I've never had an issue making friends my issue began when I started worrying too much about them and trying to keep them that I got so lost when I felt I lost them. These past few months I've been completely alone with my thoughts and I decided to quit socializing to find and well love myself again. I was always so scared of being alone or feeling alone that I felt I was expecting way to much from the people I considered my friends. Lets just say I might have been that friend that most might consider "clingy" not to the extreme but more like the texting everyday type to see how you're doing or if I knew something was wrong check up on you.. lets hang out and of course I was the one everyone would go to in bad times mostly. My husband would always say " YOU CARE WAY TOO MUCH!" their problems where my problems too, they cry I cried. He's really good on reading peoples energy and vibes, he likes everyone until he senses something fishy and would warn me "I DON'T THINK THESE PEOPLE ARE YOUR FRIENDS" be careful. But, of course I was always trying to "prove" him wrong with "the ones" he choose to say that about. Now I'm thankful for it being this way because if it wasn't the case I don't know if I would've ever been able to learn this lesson on my own.
People tend to cover the topic of "How to get over a brake up?" quite often but rarely do I see anyone talking about :"How to get over a friendship ?".
Lets begin with saying that I feel both go hand by hand basically because both lead to loving yourself first. After years I think I'm finally ready to open up about the topic of : Getting over a friendship that meant more than what they could ever imagine. (Disclaimer: Yes this will be about a few friends I cared for ... one I had to cut out and the other I ignored so she cut me out. )
The number one thing for getting over a "break up" is usually hanging out with "close friends", distract yourself doing something you love, LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF! Like I said getting over a friendship is basically the same thing. A partner does help... but what happens if you don't have either??? If my husband wasn't there for me the following I'm sure will help you because this was mainly what helped me out the most and thats why I'm here today. Sharing my experiences.
I used to be the person to put everyones feelings and emotions before my own. All my friends, family and people who got to know me had one thing in common and that was them telling me "Ashley, you're too nice, you need to stop!" I then only heard it as a nice way of telling me "Ashley, you're so STUPID, please stop!". Now, I came to the conclusion that this isn't a bad thing unless you're ok with yourself first! This was never my priority because truth is I didn't think there was anything wrong with me so... I never noticed that I had lost myself along the way and didn't really love myself the way I thought I did!
I'm the type of person that is always positive no matter what but I found myself always thinking questioning myself the "WHYs?" WHY don't I have friends who put in the effort like I do? Why does everyone hate me? Why do I even care? why?! WHY?1 WHY?! I never cared about what strangers thought about me but I did care WAY TOO MUCH about what the people I cared for at one point in life did, past , present , you name it but not anymore! I used to relay on others opinions and what they had to say about me as a person and boy was it affecting me. I knew it was because of my friendships since thats what had triggered my first ever extreme panic attack years ago suffering from depression and anxiety after. Again, I never noticed it happening but I soon came to realize ( "soon" being a few years later) that I was the problem all along! Not my friends but ME! YES, ME and YES the problem is probably YOU too on why you feel you can't have or keep any friends.
No matter whats going on in my life I'm the person you will never know how I'm feeling unless you actually take the time to ask, I consider you a close friend or if you know me to the point you don't even have to ask you can just see it on my face. I was so lost trying to make all my friends like me and be there for me the way I was there for them that I had to stop texting and asking others "Hey how are you feeling today?" to start asking myself these questions instead. This was one of the hardest things I've had to do and I lost a few people doing this but trust me when I say that even though it hurts the right people will stick around if they care. Very few noticed the change some texted and some even showed up to my house weeks even months later but they did show up and they understood.
This had nothing to do with them it was all me... but not all showed signs of caring or plans to even ask which I knew that most had their own issues to worry about so I decided to not take anything personal anymore because I was working on myself not anyone else. I was no longer offended if I noticed my friends hanging out without me, posting with people they didn't even like on social media but when they were with me never would you see anything with me. I was only their friend when they weren't ok. I had already been through this situation with a toxic high school friendship and I didn't want to keep making the same mistakes with all my other friends.
Many times I wanted to reach out and ask a few if they were ok but what stopped me was the last time we all hanged out (editing a video vlog I saw it with my own eyes what I didn't want to see and probably what my husband would see when he would warn me) that plus watching snapchat stories of others saying "eww" everytime the camera would focus on me and another where my name was mentioned "you saw Ashley ..." maybe nothing bad but my heart told me something was wrong.
I even cried to see how stupid I looked talking to them all when they clearly had no interest in having me around. I wanted to say something after but I just didn't know how to talk about it without an argument and to avoid the conflict I decided to stay quiet... not always the best thing to in friendships. To my surprise one of my "close friends" at least I considered her that from the group texted me a week or two later after dropping off something I had let her borrow to my house... not to ask if everything was ok but to say " Hey I unfollowed you today because I've been having bad dreams about you, ...then getting into detail of how she felt towards me exposing exactly why I felt how I felt that day. I now see how I was basically "forcing a friendship" then finished it off with a "don't bother to try to fix it!". Ofcourse, I was expecting something to happen but never a "CUTTING YOU OUT OF MY LIFE" type of text. In my head I had done my part for this friendship being there for her on all the bad times that I was in complete SHOCK... so again what did I do? I just ignored it.
I had no reaction, I kept following on social media until it got to the point where the others got involved too and well I had said I wouldn't take anything personal anymore but that was all I was doing. I was taking everything so personal that it started affecting me... so I decieded to unfollow everyone just they way they all had unfollowed me too. Right after unfollowing everyone another "close friend " who had nothing to do with this situation gets involved which I wasn't planning to unfollow but I was taking all her tweets personal choosing her side. She texted me stating that I knew she wasn't ok in her defense how wrong I was when she had no idea what I was going through. I just couldn't do it anymore. I said a few things that weren't necessary but I was just so tired of being blamed when I had video prove of the day I felt I was treated horrible that this wasn't about who was right and who was wrong type of situation anymore. This right here is the perfect example of how if you're not ok with yourself, one thing leads to another. I had got them so used to me caring so much then to suddenly stop asking... I would've been like WTF? too so I get it but this doesn't make me a bad or evil person at all. Everyone has problems, some bigger than others but I knew my side and I was done putting others before myself especially if there was no way to fix it anymore, I was working on myself and we all took things too personal.
Anyways, these past few months I absolutely had no one to worry about, stress out over and I've only dedicated my time on my personal growth. I had hit depression really bad a few years ago which was around the time these people had came into my life right when I felt I had no friends so I got extra attached to them that I didn't want to loose them. Then this past situation happened where these new friends all cut me out... I was cool and even had some immature actions until until my puppy passed away this past January, this really opened my eyes about life in general not just friends.
I've never been the type of person to hold grudges or want "revenge" type of girl and the only person I did hold a grudge against was " My high school friend/ enemy" but I've learned to let it go. Guess who I have that to thank for ??? Yes my other so called friends who actually tried or become friends with her. They knew everything that happened between us and I must admit that it did hurt at first that it made me delete all my photos with all of them (something I have never done before) and block all of them too but then realized how immature I was acting and how loyalty plays a huge role in the type of person someone is. I expected this from my highschool friend but never from them but I knew how they were when it came to people who crossed over to their "enemy" side and how they loved to keep people around so they could see how successful they are now. I was becoming them. This didn't happen over night, a few months had passed until I knew that I couldn't be a reflection of what people where doing to me especially when I had done nothing wrong so I went ahead and unblocked them all and learned to accept their friendship thats if they even had one. It was my past experience with this person not theirs and I guess their loyalty was never real towards me because even if we're not cool anymore I'll keep my LOYALTY not just for these people but for myself too.
I think that... once you learn that the world does NOT revolve around you (which I'm sure all of us at one point have felt this way ) thats the moment when nothing and no-one can ever affect your happiness and will have no need or desire to feed any negative immature actions or thoughts being thrown at you. I was always so scared of being alone and having no friends and now I actually feel in peace being alone. I now feel ready to start hanging out with my old friends and start making new ones too. I finally don't feel the need to explain every little thing I do or say to anyone because at the end of the day good or bad people will talk (I've known this for years) I just do ME, you do you and THE END. You won't believe how people actually text me now even if I don't text them first.
I choose to only see the good side of people because I truly feel that just because friendships don't work out... that automatically makes one of the two sides a bad person, although my old friendships have tried to destroy my happiness with actions making up rumors about me, putting everyone against me or even all being friends now. I choose to let it go and I forgive them as I hope they forgive me for cutting/ignoring them too. We crossed eachothers path for a reason, we were friends for a reason and I hope all of them are good and have learned what I've learned too. We can't keep blaming others for how we're feeling inside, no one has that much power except ourselves. You have no need to prove yourself to anyone and if you're a good person it will show without you having to prove it. Stop expecting so much from others and just start living life. The right people will show up eventually.
The moral of all this was sharing my Personal Growth with the one thing that I felt I had issues with in my life... Friendships! My problem all along wasn't my friendships it was me not loving myself like I thought I did since I was putting everyones problems and emotions before my own. Again its not bad to care for others at all but if you're not ok then how do you except to help others be ok with themselves if you haven't even done it for yourself? Learn to truly love yourself first before getting in any relationship or friendships and you'll notice the difference.